2006-01-07 - 9:09 p.m.
I've been asked by a couple people, so in case you were wondering...
That song "Will You" is by P.O.D. it's very good, and my current favorite.
I have been feeling very trapped recently. Captured by my job, my kids my husband, as if my life is not my own, I am living it for everyone else. I get like this every winter, and some of you might say its seasonal because of the winter and loss of sunlight blah blah blah, well, you're right about one thing, it IS seasonal, but it has nothing to do with sunlight. Winter is my "busy" season, my dad heads south, and I pick up the slack for 2 people (him and his girlfriend) only, I have to do the work of both of them for 8 hrs a day in 4 hrs per day. Stressful to say the least.
I strive under hard work. I like it. But this job has just become another chain holding me down in this runaway life. How did I get here? How did it become like this??? This is NOT how I pictured my life. So depressing, but what can I do about it now? I have obligations, children who look to me, a husband who depends on me, a house to take care of, a father to please, brothers to get along with. Some of this may not make much sense to you, but hell, its MY diary, I will let my thoughts run as rampant as I wish!
Yes, I like my kickboxing instructor, but thats really not the only reason I go now. I truly like the class now. It relieves a LOT of stress I have bottled up. I have started going to open mats in the afternoon. One of my daughters friends' father is working towards his black belt and I spar with him now in the afternoon when Dave comes home for lunch. I am considering taking actual taekwondo classes now, thats how much I enjoy it. Did I mention I reallly realllllly want a cigarette??? Its been over a year now since I had one. I quit in July of 2004, the last one I smoked was at my husbands company Christmas party in '04. I was really really drunk, and just had one, and it made me sick. I did, however, smoke a few cigars when we went camping this summer.
My friends wife's funeral services were this morning. My brother and his wife went and afterwards and came to my work so me and Pat could go and pay our respects. And all I could think was, its so unfair, I barely care about this woman, I never met her, and one of my best friends is hurting terribly and I can't be with him and his family, who I actually care about, but I'm forced to go to this! How awful is that? (I never met this friends wife, ever. She died of brain cancer, terrible, and yet, it was just another obligation, not something I actually wanted to do) My father was in South Carolina, so he couldn't be there, and hence I couldn't go where I wanted to go.
That last paragraph was mostly for the benefit of my friend, yes, I feel guilty, I *should* have been there for him, but I couldn't, and I will never be able to make that up, all because of (full circle) obligations I have. I think I will stop, because I am severely buzzed now, and I don't want to start saying things I will regret in the morning. :-)
Can I recommend a perfume?? Very Sexy by Victorias Secret! My hubby bought me a sampler of their perfumes, 6 testers in a nice box, and Very Sexy is one of my favs! Sweeeeeeet!
Nite!
